90/90… Day 49, “She Says… “
She Says… She says, I think with my penis That I think with it all the time And where’s the romance with my brain in my pants? Is that all that’s on my mind? She wants me to snuggle and cuddle She’d...
View Article90/90… Day 50, “Her Friends”
Her Friends We’re sitting here at dinner, clearly, she’s a winner My love is growing stronger every day But as I’m eating my flan, she gets a call from Jan Who is joining us and there’s nothing I can...
View ArticleMy Next Wife
My next wife will be a gorgeous woman of inappropriate age, who’ll work full-time as a nurse and overtime as a part-time nurse. Her field of care will be treating the elderly and infirmed, specifically...
View ArticleBar Joke
Two men of Jewish faith walk in to a bar; they see a drunken Irishman falling off his stool and talk to him about going into treatment. They’re truly helpful people, these 2 men, one a Stein and the...
View ArticleConversation at the DMV
Conversation at the DMV… DMV: “How long have you been at your new address?” Me: “Almost a year.” DMV: “The law requires you to inform us of an address change after 15 days.” Me: “Well, sir… my wife...
View ArticleShow Business As Usual
It’s December 3, 2014 (Year of the Nasty Divorce), I have just completed two runs doing comedy on a cruise ship and I have one day off before I start the next one. I’m burned out, and I could use a...
View ArticleThe American Pie Guy
In light of the fact that the original manuscript of “American Pie” by Don McLean, along with his notes from the song, were recently sold for $1.2 million, I thought I would share my experience of...
View ArticleA Little Something About My Mother
I brought a pretty gal from Charlotte, North Carolina to meet my Mom, because since this woman and I had just met and we were moving in together, I thought they should get to know each other. I don’t...
View ArticleI Think Daddy Needs A Nap
I asked a bored, snotty saleswoman, at the Lima, OH Macy’s, where the dress shirts were, with my 4 year-old son Jimmy on my shoulders (he LOVES it up there). She lazily points in the direction of the...
View ArticleDeath In The Midwest
We did The Irish Comedy Tour in Iowa at a place called “The Stockade” (an old slaughterhouse, now a nightclub, smelled like death), we didn’t draw many people, and Jim Paquette (he’s French Irish, I...
View Article90/90… Day 48, “The Beach”
The Beach Grab the cooler and the kids, we’re gonna have some fun Hanging out at the beach, soaking up the sun We’ll drive a couple hours it’s not that far away The sun will come out, it’ll be a...
View ArticleThe Accidental Curse
I was doing a squeaky clean Welcome Aboard Show on a cruise ship with an eclectic demographic (infants, kids, teens, adults, couples, Latinos, Germans, Canadians, Smucker’s® birthday mentions, etc… )...
View ArticleAdapt, Adopt, Wait Tables, Get Fired!
While trying to break in to my own apartment in Tampa, Florida (girlfriend locked me out), I cut my right wrist on the window pretty bad, couldn’t play guitar, and was forced to work at TGI Fridays® as...
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Big Fat Head Dot Com
I was at an outdoor musical festival in Reno and some lady tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Sir, excuse me. Do you have trouble finding baseball caps that fit?” I said, “What are you talking about?...
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Bonding With Bond
Sean Connery was arguably the best James Bond, but Roger Moore’s dapper, smooth, and haughty take on him was more in line with Ian Flemming’s books. I never met Mr. Moore, may he rest In peace, but I...
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Octopussy
In honor of Roger Moore, here’s a little story from the mid-eighties. I had just started dating an attractive DJ from Rock 107 in Scranton, PA named Suzie “Something Italian” (name withheld on account...
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Sock It To Me
Comedians brag about ‘Killing’ and the ‘Standing Os’ they get, and they’re usually lying, but I just killed at my dry cleaners, I swear. An older lady brings my Martinized, sanitized, clean pressed...
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I’m A Widower
Hotel Clerk: “Are you married? Because, if you are, you should bring your wife next time, this is a great couples resort.” Me: “I’m a widower, or at least I should be, if everything goes according to...
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I Smell Burnt Toast
As the opening band was mauling a Bruno Mars song, last night, I went outside to tune my guitar and accidentally locked myself out of the back of theater. SH*T! I’m on right after this song mercifully...
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Fireworks
I was looking forward to watching the 4th of July fireworks with my son, Jimmy, but when they started, he asked if he could watch them on top of the slides with some older boys he just met on the...
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